soot and stars

2003-02-06T00:55:00.000-06:00

I'm still alive. I've just been busy.

2002-11-24T22:12:00.000-06:00

So Evan went back to Genetics on Thursday. He has some more brown spots, some more white ones, and his head circumference just keeps getting bigger and bigger. There's nothing new really to worry about in the Neurofibromatosis department, but he is displaying a couple of classic Marfan signs. However, his heart sounds fine. Next year, he gets an ultrasound of his chest; they wanted to do one this year, but he wasn't cooperative enough. We'll just have to keep going back for a few years. So it was mostly good news for the duration of the visit. The doctor waited until I was feeling great and all ready to go to give me his bad news.

It seems that since Evan is 27 months old and only says about twenty words, and because he doesn't string his words into sentences like he should, he has a language delay. This means he has to have his hearing tested, and that he'll most likely have to start going to some sort of speech therapy. It upset me pretty bad; I felt, and still somewhat feel, that it was all my fault. Maybe I should have read to him for three hours a night instead of an hour and a half. I don't know. It's probably nothing that I had anything to do with, but it's still sort of hard to not feel like a failure.

He did say, though, that he thinks Evan has an exceptionally high IQ. His problem solving, physical, emotional, and nonverbal communication skills are much better than they should be; if he was able to talk, he'd be at a kindergarten level. This makes me happy, because kindergarteners are 5 and 6, and Evan's only 2. He said the main reason he's concerned about Evan's language skills is it would be a shame for someone who is so bright and has so much potential to be frustrated because he can't find the words to express what's going on in his mind. I gave him a look that clearly said, "Don't bullshit me," to which he responded, "No, really. I wouldn't lie about something like this."

So all in all, it wasn't a bad visit. I'd say the good oughtweighed the bad this time around. We'll just keep doing what they tell us to do and hope for the best, I suppose.

In the mean time, I'll just sit here, smiling because I know my child is a genius. ;)

2002-11-11T22:16:00.000-06:00

I've decided it's about time for a new look and whatnot. I'll begin posting again soon! :)

2002-07-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted here, so until I get back into the groove of things, here's a funny little story about my morning for your reading enjoyment. :)

Around 5 this morning, I heard some loud thumps and scrabbling outside my bedroom window. I figured it was just a couple of cats fighting, or a stray dog messing around. Just as I was drifting back to sleep, I remembered that my bedroom is on the top floor of the house. Any dogs or cats would be two floors below my window, and would have to be fighting or messing around pretty loudly to wake me up. I listened for a while longer. Thump, thump, thump. Scratch, scratch, scratch. Thump, scratch, bang. I listened harder. These noises had a pattern. And that pattern made them sound like someone was walking around on my roof.

By this point, I was terrified. My heart was absolutely pounding. I had visions of big, burly, unshaven men sneaking in through my window with large knives and the intent to kill. Worse, I was positive these men would then move down the hall into Ev's room. I didn't even what to think about what horrible things they'd do to him. It was at this point that my maternal instinct kicked into overdrive. If they wanted my son, by God, they'd have to go through ME to get him.

I quietly crept out of bed. I reached into my closet and got out my baseball bat. I tiptoed down the stairs. Took my purse down from the coatrack, and took out my can of pepper spray. I silently opened and closed the front door, and stood on the front porch collecting myself for a few seconds. Then it was time to face my intruders.

Adrenaline streaming through my veins, I jumped off the porch and ran to the side of the house, wielding my bat in a threatening manner. I stopped under my bedroom window and looked upward. And yelled.

"COME DOWN AND GET ME, FUCKERS!"

Very quickly came something rustling through the ivy on the side of the house. I raised my bat, ready to swing and knock someone's bloody head off. And out from the ivy, in a flash of shiny black fur, comes my intruder.

Now, my brother happened to be sleeping in the livingroom when all of this was happening. He heard me yelling and ran outside. He reached me as I stood there, my bat dangling by my side, watching my cat run away. "Brianna, for God's sake, what are you yelling about? And why aren't you wearing any pants?!"

"Fucking cat..." I mumbled as I slinked back inside.

So much for saving the day.

2002-06-19T07:35:00.000-05:00

Off I go this weekend to be in Danielle's wedding. I have my dress, my hotel, my shoes (not exciting enough for a picture), and Danielle's gift (Come on now, I'm not THAT stupid.) Yay :)

2002-05-09T18:26:00.000-05:00

This is really turning into a monthly journal rather than a daily one, isn't it? I suppose I should feel bad for that, but I just can't.

I finished classes on Tuesday. The final was a bit of a nasty bitch -- we were given 10 programs, and had to look at the source code and say exactly what the output would be, and why. A few were pretty simple -- std::cout << "Hello, World\n"; -- but others used such horrible things as pointers and arrays and random number generation, oh my. I finished in about 30 minutes. Even though I studied hard and checked and re-checked my work, I got a 60% on the final, and my final grade for the class is a 54.69%. *sigh* I think this means academic probation next semester... hopefully, it doesn't mean academic suspension.

"Westley" needed to find a place called the Book Nook after his History class, so I waited around for him and went along for the ride. It didn't take long for him to find it, and we went to my house after he was finished with whatever business it was he had there. We did a lot of talking about things, and came to the conclusion that having to go until June without seeing eachother is going to Royally Suck. He gave me some very nice hugs before leaving, and I was pretty happy for the rest of the day. Sometimes, it's just nice to have someone to hug.

My dad spent a good portion of last week in the cardiac ICU in Memphis. He's been discharged and sent home, so I'm assuming he's better. I haven't taken the time to call him, because last time we talked he made a point of putting me through a bunch of guilt trips. I call because I'm worried about him, and he proceeds to make me cry. I think he does these things to feel better about himself. He's always been the worst blow to my self-esteem. I'm glad he's out of the ICU, I'm glad he's feeling better, but I'm not going to call again for a while. I just can't handle it right now.

Jeremy and I are talking about going to Saint Louis this weekend. I have to try on my dress for Danielle's wedding, and bring her some maternity clothes and birthing books. Jeremy has to do some looking at his car to see if it will make the trip, but he says he's pretty sure it will be fine. I'm trying to remember if he and I have ever taken a long trip like that alone, and I'm pretty sure this will be our first time. I haven't decided if Evan will be coming with us -- I want him to meet Danielle and I'll miss him if he stays home, but he hasn't been the best little traveller lately and any minute change in scenery freaks him out. I'll have to turn it over in my head a little bit and make a final decision soon. My mom doesn't work over the weekend, so I won't have to worry about leaving him with a sitter this time. She says she wants him to stay home... I just don't know. She offhandedly mentioned the other day that it's going to really hurt her when Evan and I move away. I gently reminded her that Evan is my son and WILL be coming with me when I move out of her house, and she can't do anything but learn to deal with it. Then she reminded me that legally, he's HERS and my taking him against her wishes will be kidnapping in the eyes of the law. So I said that I want custody back ASAP if she's going to hold that over my head as a way to control me. She said she'll think about it. Bullshit, you'll think about it. We'll do it when I say we'll do it. And that will be soon.

This is how it's been around here. Tense, tense, tense. Some guy has been sending my mom flowers and calling her at ungodly hours of the morning. He called her at 730 this morning, and she left Evan alone in the livingroom so she could go talk on the phone in private. She didn't come get me to watch him, she didn't tell anyone he was even awake. The next thing I know, Evan's screaming. I ran downstairs, passed my mom giggling like a fucking teenybopper on the phone, and find Evan laying on the floor with a big cut on his face. I took the phone from my mom and said "How the HELL did that happen?!" And she said, "How the HELL am I supposed to know? He's YOUR kid!" ARGH! Is talking on the phone to someone that much more important than Evan's safety? Is it really THAT hard to come and get me to tell me she's not watching him? I'm still pretty pissed about that. I still have no idea how Evan hurt himself.

The fact that my mom has a boyfriend (though she denies it) isn't what bothers me. It's the fact that this guy comes into her life and she immediately ignores everyone else. She calls him at 7:05 SHARP on days she's not working, regardless of what she's doing. She damn near got us into a car accident the other day, because she was busy dialing his number on her cellphone. He gives her gifts and roses. BULLSHIT he's not her boyfriend. All I'm looking for here is a little fucking honesty.

Yeah. Thinking about it just annoys me. I'm going to stop now and see about getting some dinner. Thanks for reading, everyone. Hope I haven't bored you too much.

2002-04-05T14:54:00.000-06:00

So sad the Labia Days are over! I have a pretty full weekend ahead of me, so here's the Friday Five to tide you over.

1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day? Depends on the morning. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I generally wake up around 7 AM and get ready for school. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I roll out of bed whenever I damn well feel like it and throw on some clothes. Saturdays and Sundays, I'm up at dawn (no thanks to the person sharing my bed!), and I shuffle grouchily downstairs to watch some TV.

2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed? Brush my teeth, change into sleeping attire, and read a book until I can't stay awake any longer.

3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day? Feeding the cats

4. What routine do you wish you get rid of? Doing laundry!

5. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? I don't feel complete unless I've checked the Scarleteen boards one last time before going to bed.

2002-04-02T19:55:00.000-06:00

The International Labia Blog-A-Thon!

In observance of what has to be one of the coolest darned blog-a-thons ever, I shall now wax poetic about labia.

Labia Poetry

Warm. Soft. Hidden. Mine.
Guarding my inner secrets.
Rivers flow within.

----

The crimson orchid flower
gently pulses with life
A humid, fertile valley
is hidden away between these petals
My lips part to give you a sacred kiss
And for a moment, we are one.

----

More to follow as the night progresses.
I must now say that I am a little baffled as to exactly why a woman would be afraid of how a partner would react to her labia.
I have had a few partners in my lifetime. Just a handful. Each was so happy to be face-to-face with my most private of parts that he did not complain in the slightest. Each had his own way of handling them; some saw the labia as delicate things to be fussed over and handled with care, and others saw them as parsley to be pushed aside as they hungrily devoured the main course. Guess which approach I preferred?

Women in other parts of the world have been mutilated, their genitals ripped apart with dirty razors and bits of broken glass, only to be hastily stitched back together by an amateur. In some cases the labia as well as the clitoris are removed, and the woman is then stitched shut so tight she can't effectively pass urine or menstrual fluids.

Why would anyone want to do anything like this to themselves? Girls talk about how they wish they could have their labia removed because they're too large, or hang down too far, or they are too dark, or what have you... do they not realize what an utter crime against the beauty of nature that would be? Girls, follow this link and start thinking about just how lucky you are to have the labia you have. They are beautiful and unique, just like you.

Love Your Lips. :)

2002-03-23T15:50:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in almost a month, and a lot has happened in that month! I'll make a big post when I'm back in school with it's ultra-fast connection, but to hold you over, I'm going to be like Caro and post my Friday Five.

1. What is your favorite time of year? Fall
2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season? The warm-but-not-hot weather, Halloween, the chaning leaves, and the sense that the earth's cycles are winding down. That and there are no ants in my house. :)
3. What is your least favorite time of year? Why? Spring. All of my allergies tend to attack me in the spring.
4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons? I made an origami carp the other day, does that count? :)
5. What's your favorite thing to do outside? Biking, picnicing, taking walks with loved ones.

2002-02-27T10:47:00.000-06:00

From today until we leave for Saint Louis on Saturday, I'm going to be an extremely busy girl. I have to do a LOT of packing -- my suitcase, Evan's suitcase, Evan's toys for the weekend, Evan's food for the weekend (I'm a health-food fanatic with that boy. It's just easier if I send him with his own food rather than sending someone on a chase for organic peanut butter or something like that), Evan's portable bed... The closer we get to the time we have to drop him off, the more nervous I get about the whole thing. What if he wakes up scared in the middle of the night, then just gets even MORE scared when someone he barely knows goes to get him? And what if he gets hurt? Will he even miss me? I'm going to drive myself crazy if I don't calm down about all of it, but this is a pretty big first for the both of us. A (large) part of me is tempted to just skip this weekend and stay home with him. Of course, it wouldn't be good if I did that -- if I can't leave him with a babysitter for the weekend NOW, how am I going to send him off to pre-school or day-care a YEAR from now? My worries about childcare institutions are numerous enough to construct an entry of thier own.

I asked my mom last night if she though my dropping Evan off with friends in order to do things he can't do this weekend was selfish, and if that meant I'm a bad mother. She said that just the fact I'm worrying so much about it, and struggling with so much guilt over just a little more than 24 hours away from him shows that I'm a GOOD mother. I'd like to believe her, but I don't think I'll feel completely good about this until it's over.

On to other things. I beat Diablo yesterday, and was terribly, terribly disappointed. The Dark Lord was so very much easier and the battle was so much shorter than say, that with the Butcher or King Leoric. Or that damned Archbishop Lazarus. I suppose it would have been difficult if I hadn't killed everything in sight to increase my experience, but I was preparing for one hell of a battle. Ah well -- I'll uninstall that, put in Diablo II, and start all over again. I haven't even touched my poor Sims in almost a month. Vacation is coming out in March (I think) and I'll probably get interested again after I purchase it.

I've been on a bit of a creative kick lately. I played my guitar for the first time in quite a few months, and put fresh batteries in my keyboard. I started a new painting -- still haven't finished the old one. That's the thing about most of the creative things I do -- I can't stand to finish them. I did a painting once, and intentionally left all color out of a portion of it just so it wouldn't be -finished.- Evan's room isn't done -- something about finishing a *nursery* feels like it would be Bad Luck to me. The wallpaper is up, the flooring is down, all of the furniture and rugs are in place -- but the trim isn't painted. :) None of the charcoals or pencil drawings or things I did with ink in my high school art class were ever finished -- I'd turn them in with a spot of rough shading that needed to be smoothed out or something like that. This is just my way, and yes, I'm a little strange. :)

Now I'm going to go play my guitar for a while. Jean says it helps to develop a better and more effective pinch, and I enjoy it anyway. Have a great day, everyone!

2002-02-26T20:32:00.000-06:00

What?! Lyrics, in MY BLOG?!?!?! Impossible. ;)

I have a picture pinned to my wall
An image of you and of me and we're laughing
With love at it all
But look at our life now, we're tattered and torn
We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears
That we cry until dawn

Hold me now
Warm my heart
Stay with me
Let lovin' start, let lovin' start

You say I'm a dreamer, we're two of a kind
Both of us searching for some perfect world we know we'll never find
So perhaps I should leave here, yeah yeah, go far away
But you know that there's nowhere that I'd rather be
Than with you here today

You ask if I love you, well, what can I say?
You know that I do and that this is just one of those games that we play
So I'll sing you a new song, please don't cry anymore
I'll even ask your forgiveness though I don't know just what I'm asking it for

Oh, hold me now (hold me in your lovin' arms)
Oh warm my heart (warm my cold and tired heart)
Stay with me (Oh stay with me)
Let lovin' start, let lovin' start

That's right, I'm listening to some Thompson Twins. I found a New Wave CD I bought a few years back, and it's full of little gems.

I think someone is coming over tomorrow, but I'm not too sure. I emailed and invited him, and he emailed back but the message was blank. So I'm kinda hanging here, and I have no clue whether I'll be lonely tomorrow or not. I cleaned the house anyway, so it's no big thing either way :)

2002-02-22T23:21:00.000-06:00

Via pretty much everyone:

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Buffy Girl Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

2002-02-22T15:50:00.000-06:00

I think some lyrics are in order today.

You should know that I love you
We should love like lovers do
And I can't help but fall for you
Oh honey I'm just a fool
Now you know

Darling, I'll never be true
You see, for so long I was blue
I'm not the only one
And if I hurt, then you will,too
Oh honey I always lose
Now you know

Lover, when will you?
I'm so afraid that no-one cares.
Lover, can't find you
I swear to God, don't leave me here
Now you know

Only you know that it can't be
When no-one else here really means
Anything to me
If you hurt inside
If you confide in me again

Since you ran away
Hold me now, tell me how
Nothing's lost

Lover, when will you?
I'm so afraid that no-one cares
Lover, can't find you
And no-one knows what brings us here
Lover
Hold me now
Hold me now
Tell me how
Nothing's lost.

-...Said Sadly, Smashing Pumpkins.

Not too sure if I've posted that one on this journal yet. It's a beautiful song...

2002-02-21T21:56:00.000-06:00

Things are... well, different around here lately. Most of what's going on has to be kept under a tight lid for the time being, because I'm afraid I'll sort of jinx it if I say anything. Besides, it might just be something I think is going to happen, but the other party involved doesn't feel the same way, and then I'd be pretty upset if everyone knew about it. I really wish I could say more on that subject, but it's one best left to my pen-and-paper journal.

Physical therapy has been going wonderfully. I've had a vast improvement in the overall function of my left hand, and my arms and shoulders are getting to the point where it's no longer exhausting to hold Evan. I only have three sessions left, too -- so it's all good.

And now, dear readers, I shall tell you The Story Of The Fair Maiden And Her Monster Headache That Almost Did Her In, But Then She Got Better.

I got a migraine in class today. I was just sitting there, trying to figure out how to do a certain program, when it just hit me like a freight train. All of the sudden, I couldn't stand the sound of the other students typing, talking, breathing... and then everything on the left side of my face went black. This happens a lot lately -- a tight ball of pain, on the left side of my head above and behind the temple. Never anywhere else. I got up as quietly and quickly as I could, and went and took a couple extra-strength Tylenol. I gave my mom a quick call to tell her to bring me something stronger, then I just stood there with my forehead against the wall, ready for the tears that were coming fast. A few burned their way down my face as I struggled to regain my composure. I didn't want anyone, anyone to see me crying. I may have a bit of a sympathetic disposition and feel things deeply, but I Do Not Cry In Front Of Just Anyone.

Luckily, after I got ahold of myself and went back to the room, class ended. I'm not too sure what happened after I left the room; I think I had a conversation with someone, and I'm pretty sure I know who, but I have no clue how long we talked or what we talked about. I just remember being in the car, on the way to the Health Works building, trying to stop my nose from bleeding on my shirt. I took something a little (a *lot*) stronger, went to physical therapy, then went and made a complete ASS of myself in front of the last person I'd want to see me that way (Guess who?). I laid my head on his shoulder without knowing it (so very nice.) and we talked about something. What? I'm not too sure. I had this vision of hugging him tightly and just holding him for a while, but I'm almost certain that was just a little midday fantasy in my mind. Then, time did a little jump again and I was on my way home. Good thing I wasn't driving, eh?

At some point during the day, I put a call in to my doctor and told her all about my headache and the ensuing nosebleed. I have to make an appointment for myself tomorrow, and she or one of her associates is going to check me out.

Everything finally took full effect, and my headache went on its nasty little way. After that, I just did a few meaningless little things combined with a few bigger, more important things.

We went into Columbia, and Evan got his second haircut. His ringlets had gotten extremely long, and his bangs were dragging right in his eyes. He sat still for most of the ordeal, only moving his head every once in a while to see what the beautician was doing. It's nice and short now, and looks like it will be pretty easy to comb. My little mister is getting to be so handsome.

After that, we went to the mall because Mom wanted to buy herself some new shoes. I ran into Jesse Trigg -- someone I haven't seen since early 2000. I was extremely happy to see him again -- I've been missing my old friends lately. Jesse's looking good (great.) and has quite a few new piercings. We talked for quite some time, and he told me that he DJs at the Eastside Tavern on Wednesday nights. I'll have to see about going and checking it out sometime soon -- I don't get out and about nearly as much as I should.

So that's about it. We came home around six, I got online to see if Someone was online as well, and I've been here ever since. A little sad, I suppose, but there's always something to be said about blind hope...

2002-02-15T18:11:00.000-06:00

Don't walk too close
Don't breathe so soft
Don't talk so sweet
Don't sing
Don't lay oh so near

Please, don't let me fall in love with you again

Please let me forget
All those sweet smiles
All of the passion
All of the peace, the heat, the pain
All those blue skies
Where your words were my freedom

Please, don't let me fall in love with you again

Too many times
I've cared too much
I stood on the edge
And saw that you held my hand
And knowing too well
I couldn't hide from those eyes

Please, don't let me fall in love with you again.

2002-02-15T12:32:00.000-06:00

Time for some They Might Be Giants, yes?

I don't want to change your mind
I don't want to think about your mind
They say love is blind
I don't think you're blind
You don't want to understand
And I don't want to shake your father's hand
And walk in the sand
And act like a man

I get on the bus
And ride past our stop
And though I'm late
I can't get off
I just can't bear to tell you some lies
And narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes

We'll take back everything we said
Split up all the things and move ahead
Forgot how you said
We'll split the side off the bed

I get on my bike
Ride down our block
Ride through the world
Through the green lights
But when I think of all your advice
I narrow my eyes
Narrow my eyes

I don't want to change your mind
I don't want to think about your mind
They say love is blind
I don't think you're blind

I get on the bus
Ride past our stop
And though I'm late
I can't get off
I just can't bear to tell you some lies
And narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes

Now let's toast the sad cold fact
Our love's never coming back
And we'll race to the bottom of a glass
So narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes
Narrow your eyes

------------------

If I wasn't shy
If I wasn't shy

I'd burn all the uniforms
I'd burn all the "Ask Me" buttons
I'd burn all the intercoms
I'd burn all the time clock cards

If I wasn't shy
If I wasn't shy

I'd steal somebody's Cadillac
I'd steal anything I lack
I'd steal all the microphones
From all the masters of ceremony

If I wasn't shy
If I wasn't shy

I'd ask you, if you don't mind,
To kiss you a hundred times

If I wasn't shy
If I wasn't shy

-----------------------

Where your eyes don't go a filthy scarecrow waves his broomstick arms
And does a parody of each unconscious thing you do
When you turn around to took it's gone behind you
On it's face it's wearing your confused expression
Where your eyes don't go

Where your eyes don't go a part of you is hovering
It's a nightmare that you'll never be discovering
You'll be free to come and go or talk like Kurtis Blow
But there's a pair of eyes in bac of your head

Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders
What the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of
Should you worry when the skullhead is in front of you
Or is it worse because it's always waiting where your eyes don't go?

Where your eyes don't go a part of you is hovering
It's a nightmare that you'll never be discovering
You're free to come and go or talk like Kurtis Blow
But there's a pair of eyes in back of your head

Where your eyes don't go a filthy scarecrow waves its broomstick arms
And does a parody of each unconscious thing you do
When you turn around to look it's gone behind you
On its face it's wearing your confused expression
Where your eyes don't go...

2002-02-14T13:47:00.000-06:00

Ouch ouch ouch. I pulled a Brianna at school today, and ended up hurting myself.

The plan was that I was going to do my cute little sit-on-the-table-and-flirt thing with Someone. Well, I wasn't paying too much attention to where my ass was in relation to the table, so when I sat down I just barely caught it with my tailbone before scraping against the table and landing hard on the floor. I sat there stunned for a moment and blinking back tears -- this hurt more than anything has hurt since August 4-6, 2000. A shockwave of pain roared up my spine and seemed to explode in my head -- I was almost certain I was going to cry.

He helped me up, laughing the entire time. I sat down (in a chair this time) and we talked for a good hour and a half. He had to go to his next class, and I got up to see if my mom was ready to take me home yet. As soon as I stood up, I took in a sharp gasp of air and my vision went a bit dark -- my tailbone hurt like hell. And it still hurts, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a complete spazz now.

All this just to look cute for someone I have no real interest in at all. Sigh. :)_

2002-02-12T21:03:00.000-06:00

God damn him. What a moron.

2002-02-12T08:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning sucked ass! I went to have my four-hour glucose tolerance test done. I woke up at about 5 AM, and my mom and I were at the hospital by a quarter to 7. They started the test at 7, and it took until 7:40 for them to find a vein in my arm. So then we sat there for more than four hours, in the same two chairs in the waiting room, reading the same set of magazines, watching Pepper and Friends or some damn shit on the TV. Every time it was time for them to take another blood sample, it would take 2 people and about half an hour to find a vein. My veins are so pathetic, and this morning it looks like I have track marks. I wore a long-sleeved shirt, but I still have the marks on my hands that are all purple and I'm sure they will be noticed eventually. Really, I swear, I'm not a heroin addict! :) Dr K is supposed to get the results today, but knowing him I won't know if I'm diabetic or not until April. If I am, I am, and if I'm not, I'm not. There are much more important things going on, and worrying about it isn't going to help anything. The solution tasted like flat Coke this time, and wasn't nearly as bad as the orange kind. Thank goodness I didn't get sick, because I wouldn't be able to drink diet Coke anymore if I had.

I never did do that C++ homework, and class starts in about ten minutes. We have a test on Thursday, and if I do well on that, I will still have a passing grade in this class. Every cloud, and all that.

I should probably publish and close this window before class starts -- I dont' want to be tempted to do some more Blogging during Mrs E's 'fascinating' lecture. :) Have a good day, everyone! And sign that guestbook!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-02-10T15:15:00.000-06:00

It's been a few days since I last updated, and I apologize. Things around here have been pretty busy (as usual.)

I started going to physical therapy on Friday. I'll be going every Friday morning for 6 weeks. My therapist is pleasant enough, but she talks to me like I'm a child and gets more frustrated with me than I get with myself. I'm doing a lot of strenghtening and dexterity exercises for my hands and arms. It's frustrating, and I really don't want to be doing this. I think it's a big waste of my time. Of course, I could just be bitter because it makes me have to get up early in the mornings.

Speaking of getting up early, I have to be at the hospital at 6:45 tomorrow morning for a 4-hour glucose tolerance test at 7. I took three of those damned things when I was pregnant, and ended up vomiting after 20 minutes each time. Dr. K thinks this is just because I was pregnant and had lots of food aversions (it tastes like strong, nasty, warm orange soda) but I think it's because the stuff is freak-nasty, and I don't like drinking things on an empty stomach.

Ah well. It'll be done, then I can go back to bed for a few hours and I won't have to do it again until I have another baby. I guess now that I've bitched about it all, there's nothing more that I can do other than just sit back, suck it up, and get on with it. Getting out of bed before 10 a few mornings a week won't hurt me. :)

I (finally) found someone to watch Evan when I go to Saint Louis in 3 weeks to see Phantom of the Opera. I'm leaving him with my friends Mike and Vickie. They have a 3 year-old, and Mike offered without my having to ask. I'm a little nervous, mainly because I don't know how Evan will behave when I'm not there. I haven't really left him with anyone who isn't family before, and the only times I've left him overnight, it's been here at the house. I'm sure this will worry me more than it will worry him -- I'll drop him off, he'll notice the other little boy, and it will be like I never existed. Let's just hope M and V don't mind me calling in to check on things a time or two :)

Jeremy left about an hour ago, and I'm already having to fight off a case of the lonelies. I'm going to start my C++ homework in a minute... if I don't get sucked into a game of The Sims first. :)

Have an excellent day, everyone!!

2002-02-06T00:26:00.000-06:00

Dig if u will the picture
Of u and I engaged in a kiss
The sweat of your body covers me
Can u my darling -- can u picture this?

Dream if u can
A courtyard
An ocean of violets in bloom
Animals strike curious poses
They feel the heat
The heat between me and u

How can u just leave me standing?
Alone in a world that's so cold
Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied
Why do we scream at eachother
This is what it sounds like when doves cry

Touch if you will my stomach
Feel how it trembles inside
You've got the butterflies all tied up
Don't make me chase u
Even doves have pride

How can u just leave me standing?
Alone in a world so cold, world so cold
Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied
Why do we scream at eachother
This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

-----

I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only want 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain

I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
it's such a shame our friendship had 2 end
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want 2 see u underneath the purple rain
honey I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out 4 something new
u say u want a leader
but u can't seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
and let me guide u 2 the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
in the purple rain

Who can guess what I'm listening to? Kudos if you can.

Apparently I have an appontment with the neurologist tomorrow. I thought it wasn't for another week, but they called and left a message with my sister saying it's tomorrow.

I'm pretty nervous. Part of me wants to know how extensive the damage is, and if my recent illness made it any worse, but part of me would rather stay in the dark. I'm not expecting any good news -- I'm even more clumsy than before, and my mind is so fuzzy. It takes a while to remember things, or even have a complete thought. And I stumble over my words a lot when I'm speaking. This is why I haven't called anyone lately -- it's embarrassing when I start stuttering or searching for a word. This could be attributed to a lack of sleep on my part, but I'm just going to brace myself for the worst anyway. He said last time that if things aren't better, there will be lots more tests. I hope not too many of those involve electric shocks -- I don't like that one bit, unless I'm the one administering them. >:)

I have to put in a call in the morning to find out when I should be there, so I'm going to go worry in bed. And repeat my mantra: "To appreciate the highs, you must experience the lows..."

2002-01-31T13:16:00.000-06:00

Legolas Greenleaf

If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Legolas, Elf, a son of the King of Mirkwood.

In the movie, I am played by Orlando Bloom.

Who would you be?
Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

It should read, "I would be a fucking hottie.

hehe. Idea stolen from Caro.

2002-01-31T13:00:00.000-06:00

For the first time since April of last year, I have feeling in my left hand!!

It disappeared soon after I got my engagement ring. The ring is a sapphire set in platinum, and it's about a half-size too big. It wasn't cutting off blood supply or anything, and it never presses on any nerves, but within 2 weeks all feeling in that hand was gone. And I mean ALL feeling -- I could shove pins through the bastard and not even flinch. Just a few moments ago, though, it started to hurt like bloody hell and now I can feel the keys beneath my fingertips. It's numb like something would be numb with cold, but at least it's something :)

So, good news to tell my neurologist in February.

You'd really think my life would be more exciting. :D

2002-01-29T23:46:00.000-06:00

Eh, let's put in one of my theme songs. Cliche? Yes. True? Yes.

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby it just happens every day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not forsee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out fromt he sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black

I suppose I'll eventually have to put some original content in here, to make it a legitimate diary. It's a little difficult to write here, though -- I can never think of anything interesting enough for public viewing, and the *really* interesting stuff... well, this is a family show here! >:) Good thing I have another, private diary for THOSE things; I'd surely explode if I couldn't express my more... intimate? sexual? sensual? hmm. Some sort of side, anyway.

I seem to have diaries for every side of myself. There's the Fun-I-Have-With-A-Partner side, the Mommy side, the fake, bright and cheerful side, and... this side. Whichever it is. A little darker, a little more insane, but quite possibly the closest I can get to my true self without revealing EVERYTHING.

Eventually, I'm sure some sort of diary will emerge that will contain things that happened when I was yonger, and the pieces will just fall together for whoever reads it. I'm not really too much into wallowing in my past, though. It's done, those tears dried up long ago. Anything more would just be bitter bitching about things I can't change. Of course, there are some things that will be addressed eventually, because they are Things People Should Know. Such as, Why Evan Doesn't See His BioFather and Why I'm Somewhat Afraid Of Guys. Some of that stuff is actually semi-interesting.

I've spent most of my night surfing through Yahoo chat rooms looking for someone to talk to. I hate being lonely, but it seems the more I fight it the more it sucks me in. Same thing with being sad.

Speaking of being sad, I almost broke down and cried in class today. I don't even know why. We were just discussing things that will be on the exam on Thursday, and I got that little catch in my throat, and my eyes burned. Had I not been in a room with other people, it would have been one of those hour-long jags. I'm still confused as to what would trigger such a thing; I was confused, yes, I had a headache, but those aren't reasons to CRY.

Yeah, I know what you're saying. You've read my journal, and are noticing a pattern with my moods. I suppose it's one of those you-should-seek-help things, but really, this is just me, y'know? Everyone has their periods of happiness and sadness. Mine are just more frequent, extreme, and they don't have any real purpose behind them. It's probably just some leftover postpartum depression / birth-induced post-traumatic stress issues. The BIPTS thing was something my doctor came up with; every time I think about the birth, I just panic. I hate to think about it. I still have nightmares every once in a blue moon about it; the pain, the fatigue, the feeling of helplessness as this small, fragile child I've just given birth to teeters on the edge of life and... well, you get the picture. People like to patronize me and minimize my bad feelings about it by saying, "Oh, he's healthy now" or "Oh, he started breathing on his own after he got help" or "Oh, he survived, didn't he?" The thing is, there was a point there where we weren't sure whether or not he WOULD survive. He was not breathing. He was limp, cold, and blue. His heart was not beating. Had he been born at home, he would have died. It's the knowledge that these things COULD have happened that sticks with me. The memories of those moments when the son I had fought for 9 months to keep was not living. You can't tell me those don't matter, because they sure as hell do. They matter to ME.

...enough ranting on that subject for the evening... that's another post altogether. I'm going to take one last trip through a few message boards and call it a night.

2002-01-29T23:15:00.000-06:00

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I wan't love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

-I Want Love, Elton John

I keep on fallin'
In and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused

I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I love you

Oh, oh, oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain
'Cause when I think
I've taken more than would a fool
I start fallin'
Back in love with you

I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I love you

, I, I, I'm fallin'
I, I, I, I'm fallin'
Fallin', fallin', fallin'
Fallin'

I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I love you

I'm fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I love you
I'm fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I love you

-Fallin', Alicia Keys

I'm in a pretty music-y mood tonight. Now if I just had someone to serenade...

2002-01-29T16:18:00.000-06:00

Okay, I lied. Here's yet another song, because it's what's dancing through my ears at the moment.

Ground control to Major Tom
Ground control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

Ground control to Major Tom
(10, 9, 8, 7)
Commencing countdown, engines on
(6, 5, 4, 3)
Check ignition and may God's love be with you
(2, 1, liftoff)

This is ground control to Major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

This is Major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in the most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here I am, sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

Though I'm past 100,000 miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows

Ground control to Major Tom,
Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you...

Here I am, floating round in my tin can
Far above the moon
Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do...

-Ground Control to Major Tom, David Bowie

2002-01-29T16:12:00.000-06:00

*music*
*more music*
*dramatic music*

I'll cry
Myself to sleep
'Cause you're not here
By my side
I'll cry
'Cause you're not with me
With me tonight

I'll cry
Myself a river
And drown in a torrent
Of tears
I'll cry
'Cause the stars
Have thrown down all their spears

The stars don't shine without you
And it makes me, makes me sad and blue
Stars don't shine without you
And there's nothing
No, nothing I can do

I'll cry
Myself an ocean
And you'll find me
Washed up on the shore
I'll cry
'Cause the stars
Don't shine for me no more

That's right, I'm lonely -- as usual. Just sort of craving human contact. Pretty happy otherwise.

I'm listening to discs 1-3 of my Gothic Erotica collection on the new stereo. This thing has great sound -- it's only on level 4, and I can feel it through my feet. The song right now is Sharp Teeth Pretty Teeth by Specimen. It's fast, kinda quirky. I think I like it, but I'm not all that sure. We'll see how I feel about it after I listen to it a few times.

I'd have to say my favorite songs in this entire collection would have to be Beki Bondage's version of Because The Night, Electric Hellfire Club's Bela Lugosi's Dead and Brix Smith's Space Oddity. Bela Lugosi's Dead just absolutely rocks -- ALMOST better than the original. It has a nice, hard edge to it. This one is pretty amusing, too: Torture Me by The Damned.

Torture me
I'm just an animal, you see
On the slap for your lap
Not upset
You know pets don't really feel.

Torture me
Why don't you carve my body up
Throw me into a pot
Make it hot
And you'll have a lovely meal

Torture me
'Cause you're the beauty, I'm the beast
For your feast,
Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and all
Torture me
Take my skin, eat my flesh
'Cause it's fresh
Boil or roast'll be a ball

And if I can suffer more
And if I can suffer more
I'll improve your life for sure
And if I can suffer more
And if I can suffer more
And if I whimper, just ignore me

Those lyrics are just a guess, of course; I don't quite feel like doing a Google search for them. And lord knows WHAT I'll find if I type in "torture me" :)

I've given my Sims Free Will today, and they've been running since I got up this morning. So far they've collected about 6 piles of trash, a dozen dirty dishes, all the (unpaid) bills from the mailbox, and SOMEONE decided to use the Prude Tree to generate -- ready for this? -- 25 Prudes. Their tub is dirty, and they've been robbed a couple of times already. This is pretty funny to watch, really -- I'll have to see if they survive through the night. >:)

I suppose that's enough of an entry for now.

2002-01-27T18:13:00.000-06:00

2002-01-27T17:44:00.000-06:00

Things have been getting better around here. I'm not nearly as angry, and Evan has been happier since he finally got over his cold.

Last night, I put Evan down around 8:30. I put him in his crib, covered him with a blanket, gave him his toy cat, and turned around to turn on the nightlight. By the time I turned back, he was asleep -- so I assumed he'd be asleep for the rest of the night.

Wrong. Travis went out for a smoke around 9, and the older of our female cats came inside. Usually she just goes straight to the back door and meows to be let out, so I didn't try to chase her around the house. A few seconds later, I heard meowing over Evan's baby monitor. I ran upstairs, hoping she was in the hall and I could get her outside before he had a chance to see her.

I was halfway up the stairs when he started yelling, "Cat! Cat! Cat!!!" Not only had he seen the cat, she was in his crib with him! He had both hands buried in her fur, and was trying to use her for a pillow. The poor cat was absolutely terrified and started hissing at him, hoping he'd let go, but all he did was hug her more tightly and scream "Cat!! Cat!! Cat!!" right in her ear. I said, "Yes, sweetheart, the cat came to see you." I picked her up and held her so she couldn't scratch him, and he gave her a few hugs and kisses. Eventually she bolted out of his room, back down the stairs, and outside. Evan was sad that she had gone, but fell asleep again nevertheless.

This morning, when he woke up, his first word was, "Cat?" When I went into his room, he was tossing all of his stuffed animals (or his "friends" around here) out of the crib after looking them over, and asking them if they were cats. And here I had thought babies didn't have a long-term memory. :)

2002-01-24T23:22:00.000-06:00

Oh, ouch! My sides hurt from laughing so hard. Hope you all find this as funny as I did:

Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice

{Refrain - repeat between every verse}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.

I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car
I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

I don't care what they say, I'm gonna
Keep on prayin' to that pink madonna
Melted to the dashboard of my car.
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car
Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind
Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind

{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning
I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning

{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul

{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car
Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van
His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van

If I weave around at night
And the police think I'm tight
They'll never find my bottle, though they ask
Plastic Jesus shelters me
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask

{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar

I don't care if I'm broke or starvin'
As long as I've got a fish named Darwin
Glued to the trunklid of my car
God, I'm feeling so evolved
Drivin' with my problems solved
Proclaiming what I think of what we are

Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.
My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.

{As refrain}
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.
Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling's womb.
Someday, He'll be born again!

I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
He's the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don't need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car

I don't care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.
She don't slip and she don't slide
Cuz her ass is magnetized
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

2002-01-23T01:30:00.000-06:00

You wear dresses, but that doesn't mean you're soft.
You trust crack using bassists only as far as you can
throw them, and dammit, that's not very far. You're
best at throwing guitars and fits, but surely that will
come in handy at some point during your musical
retirement.
Which Era of Billy Corgan are you?

2002-01-23T01:18:00.000-06:00

If you missed this post, you weren't meant to see it.

2002-01-23T00:36:00.000-06:00

Song of the moment:

Nothing feels like dying
Every time we touch
Silver bloody needles
Raise the dead
Kiss, lick, and suck
The savage dreams
Mental disease
Broken bodies
Read to swallow eternity

Tis the Raven
The Angel of the Apocalypse
Forbidden once, now free to fly
The dead black skies of suicide

I have taken
Now I am stolen
I have chosen
And now I am broken
You are my omen
My messenger from a spoken dream
My whisper turned to a primal scream
My sister, my brother, my enemy
My saint, my sinner, my lover
The devil in me

Tis the Raven
The Angel of the Apocalypse
Forbidden once, now free to fly
The dead black skies of suicide

And another:

These are the tears
These are the passing seasons
This is the rain
This is the soil of my soul
Here lives the sky
Here hides the sun forever
This is my child
This is my broken angel
Here lives a touch of evil
Inside my dream
These are the screams
Scratching to be free

Here crawl the scars
Across these bloodstained pages
This is the pain
And these are the homeless traces
These are the lies
Growing in secret places
This is a kiss
Melting off painted faces
Here is the cold
Wasteland of a frozen soul
These are the screams
Scratching to be free

-The Raven and Anthem, Apocalypse Theatre

2002-01-11T19:12:00.000-06:00

Still having issues with that damned Visual C++ program. I'll see if I can just buy a replacement disk; if not, I'll see if I can borrow one from someone at school on Tuesday. I'm able to do my homework without it at the moment; it's just simple programs that say things such as "Welcome to C++!" "Hello World" and "Bite Me Bill Gates." Heh heh heh. I think I figured out how to write one that will add two intergers, but I can't test it because the f'ing program won't load.

Jeremy will be here soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me -- hopefully he knows how to fix this!

2002-01-10T12:31:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated in about a week. Every single time I start one of these things, I vow to write in it every single day; usually, I'll make it 3 or 4 days in a row, then run out of things to talk about. Ah well.

I've started school for the semester. To keep costs down, I'm only taking one class -- Introduction to C++. We've had two sessions, and both times my programs ran very smoothly. Hopefully, I'll pass the class with a decent grade. I'm really enjoying it so far -- the only really bad thing is my frustration with Microsoft's Visual C++ 6. I'm having a bit of a time installing it on my home computer, and have had to go to the lab at school to do my homework. I got a lens cleaner for the computer here, because every time I put the disc in I get a message saying it's dirty. Hopefully that will work; if it doesn't, I'll see if Jeremy can help me this weekend.

It seems I have a little bit of tweaking left to do on my layout here, and I still need to find a host for my images. Within the week, hopefully! :)

2002-01-03T21:02:00.000-06:00

The "What Bands Do You Listen To?" poll is now closed.

2002-01-03T20:35:00.000-06:00

Up yours, Tripod.

2002-01-03T17:14:00.000-06:00

Alright, it worked for me, so I'm assuming it'll work for everyone. Here's what I did to myself -- it's really swollen in the picture, but I assure you, it looks so much better now. It's no longer huge and red; it's just beautiful.

yaaaay!

2002-01-03T17:02:00.000-06:00

we're so young
and we're so dumb
we don't register calculations
and if you dare
and should i care
i could destroy you
and take you there
as the spitfires begin their descent
and tragic romantic ascent
my love is one hundred percent
come back to me, my mistake
come back to me, my mistake
come back to me, my mistake
mistake, it was all my mistake
so suck me through
your saliva screws
and i can't help myself if i don't know
the flaws in you
that were equal to
the mysteries of almost knew
and i've said this so many, many times
can't help you out of your mind
so please don't judge me a time
come back to me, my mistake
come back to me, my mistake
come back to me, my mistake

and if you pretend
please try to offend everyone

we share the same monkey disease
so give me my grape of peace
and do what you want as you please

come back to me, my mistake
come back to me, my mistake
come back to me, my mistake

-My Mistake, Smashing Pumpkins

I've been sitting here listening to my Smashing Pumpkins Greatest Hits CD almost all week. I bought it when I was visiting my brother, right after I got my Industrial done. I'm still in love with the CD, and I'm more in love with the Industrial than ever. I keep looking at it to make sure it's still *there* -- I'm so proud :) Once I can find somewhere that will host my images and let me post them here without throwing up their little "image hosted by so and so" tag instead, I'll toss up a few shots I took on Monday.

Here, I'll do a bit of a test with Tripod, and see if it works.

2002-01-02T22:19:00.000-06:00

the words flow, decisions made
idea's mine, but the inspiration not
dreams of hangers on, dreams of getting well
spells of ezmerelda, emeralds foretold
splinters in the eye sentiments remain
bones that never rest where we going to
it was never up to me and yet i pushed it until it broke

i love the open road and all that it suggests
wheel wagon dust weeds and infidelites and
always for a love never question why
in a wooden house immovable and silent and
drinking strawberry wine forever lost in town
and thru the sleeping streets night bound and heavy
wheels in the spoke still spoken for himself

now my gates are high, my friends even higher
forgotten in my mind, yet the sky still linger and
cloud the blue skies, i'm jealous of you birds
was the only truth ina word full of words?
hear the prairie sound in a friend called near
the heart is pointed down but my spirit pointed up
his voice for siren of greek mythology

i pause with my pen i begin to defend
every action taken, every movement sealed
when i was quick it coursed through open veins
the will to live the urgency to move
behind a panel door sealing cherry stain
i play my guitar and live those lonesome notes

like a dog that's down
in a corner just a sigh
waiting to be called
waiting to be yours
ghosts of all my shame
without purpose or will

i often speak of you but the you is always me
cause when i speak of me it's me i ask of you
so let there be no truth just trickery and rhymes
time the only thing waiting still as death

i hope for resolution pray one defining moment
pause without restrain barren without child
a child is who i was a child is who i'll die
soot in my hair
and stars in my hands
soot in my hair
and stars in my hands
soot in my hair
and stars in my hands.

-Soot and Stars, Smashing Pumpkins

...and so it begins...